[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
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Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I really had high hopes for this year though
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.