[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
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I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Me too door. Me too.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.