[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
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this is how life feels
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Netflix: We have Less
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.