[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
ugh not again
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.