[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Woke up against my better judgement again
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]