[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
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mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess