Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
You Might Also Like
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!