I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah