I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .