[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver