[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
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Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.