[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
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Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.