First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Just say no
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money