I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
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Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Camping tip: No.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me sliding into hell like
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.