[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%