[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
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This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!