First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
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When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*