First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
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Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
This trial is so absurd 😭
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.