[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one