[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”