[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”