[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
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He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Probably my best painting.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
This did not end as expected.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.