[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
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Okay, I’m still confused…
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
A roof is a house hat.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)