First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
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Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.