First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.