First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
This kid is going places
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts