@Ristolable: First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks "is that your puppy?" say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.
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@_The_Man__: wife: im pregnant me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments wife: im the mother me: this is what I'm talking about
@causticbob: I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
@YoungNobler: I'm still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
@WeissBrandon: Apparently, "I just assumed" is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the "heavy flow" tampons.