First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST