I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
nice challenge
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?