[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
You Might Also Like
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar