[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
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You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
There’s no “u” in narcissist
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.