[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
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I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
damn he’s good
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.