[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
You Might Also Like
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
#math
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.