[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
ready to be harvested
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I hate my earbuds.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Rambo Rambow
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…