[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
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I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.