[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
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Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
They’re really bad with fonts.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.