[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
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7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
This forever.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.