Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.