[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
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If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*