[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
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interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Put a ring on it
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.