[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Probably my best painting.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.