Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats