[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
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Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”