[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
this was the best i’ve ever seen
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.