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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
two people or more is called a problem
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
A game married people play.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life