Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Breaking news:
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.