*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
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Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Fight
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Not messing around
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
What do you hear?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs