*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.