Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?