ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
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Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.