[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
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*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts